Patrik Sampler 2017-02-25T12:07:16+00:00

Patrik Sampler


 

Affairs of the World

In an impassioned state of the union address, US President O’Bama declared: “We will be judged by history if we turn a blind eye to the wanton use of weapons and a world where innocent civilians are bombed on a terrible scale. Therefore, we have clear and compelling reasons to destroy all US military bases as soon as possible”.

In response, many congressional leaders said they wouldn’t support strikes against US bases, alleging the President was born in Ireland and lacks the legitimacy to make such a move. O’Bama, however, vowed to carry on, indicating he would use his executive authority to carry out the attacks, regardless of congressional objections.

Later in the day, when questioned by reporters about “collateral damage” that might result from the dismantling of US bases, the President made his second surprise announcement: “If there are victims, I will breastfeed them back to health. I have started hormone therapy to enable myself to do so”, he said.

In a prepared statement, the President announced: “I am in the transition to the next phase of my life, and I want everyone to know the real me. I am Zoltar, and I am neither male nor female.” Continuing, s/he explained his/her longstanding interest in the Japanese animated cartoon G-Force, and admiration for the androgynous character Berg Katse, known to English-speaking audiences as Zoltar, “who was the reason I wanted to be President”.

Congressional leaders were swift to condemn O’Bama/Zoltar on his/her transition, but conceded they have little say in the matter.

Internationally, reaction has been mixed. In an unusual demonstration of solidarity with Iran, the Israeli Prime Minister indicated he would no longer maintain communication with the “freak” President. Concurrently, Iran’s Supreme Leader said Zoltar would be stoned if he were to set foot in the country.

In Canada, the Prime Minister refused to express a personal view on Zoltar’s hormone therapy, but said Canada would maintain its “traditional relationship vis-à-vis the US President” and would be in a “good position” to provide Zoltar with a digital examination “should the President wish to assess the health of his/her prostate while undergoing therapy”.

In Japan, Ishihara Shintaro stated he is “very pleased” by the President’s “love for Japanese culture”, and that he would soon visit President Zoltar in a hot air balloon shaped like a scrotum in order to “showcase Japanese technology”.

 



Issue 1.5 Table of Contents