Time of the Barracudas

when you step on the gas people call you dude

and you’re not so old anymore dude

you then grasp the nozzle of the fire hose

and they devour the finger sandwiches

and everyone talks the most popular new phrases

“cat mullet”

“like let’s glug Tabasco” 

“don’t you know anything ruder?”

“whack off bowling ball”

“cement your eyebrows Luke”

everybody says these things

if you don’t say them

they’ll report you to the Federal Bureau of Friendship

so talk right dude

talk like everybody

at midnight the president vomits a speech on his pillow

strong to be a force expensive tickets race meth-hounds

they blow up sleazy motels and go on tours with their mirrors

they hit all the best sewers

the sports bars

the wedding salons

the office buildings rancid with cocktail parties

they spread the lobby floor with oily sardines and roll around on them

the elevator door opens and out comes another Charley Chaplin impersonator

with a hatful of old cucumber sandwiches

folks around here walk on ver-ti-cal forks

can you visualize it?

forks on the feet instead of shoes, straight down you know…

it’s considered the new thing and it really is

you type in your password and you go straight to hell

great black hogs are coming out of the closet

its an old story for me having dreamt about it since I was three years old

that was in the days of Gunpudding and Plowedface

famous criminals then and now up for instant sainthood

the pope masturbates three times while thinking about them

there were wars then too

definition war is when half of someplace turns into raw steak

we don’t have war now

only the politics of murder

but today everybody has to be called a “warrior”

someone who goes for a piss is a piss warrior

sorry I brought it up

i promise you only lice from now on

good ones with jaws like cracked sidewalks